Some of the Brilliant Ideas of one Drew Lane
Implement the "Shrink Rule" - This rule states that any time a psychiatrist or other mental health professional pronounces someone fit to rejoin society, and the released individual goes on to commit some horrible crime, then the psychiatrist would automatically lose his or her license. This rule is deemed to be necessary due to a plethora of cases in which recently deinstitutionalized individuals end up comitting committed appalling crimes despite being deemed mentally fit.
Invent Sleeping Dust - This idea is actually attributed to Mike Clark. It implores someone to invent some type of chemical that would cause individuals to fall asleep. The impetus behind this invention would be to drop it on protesters in order to shut them the hell up.
Keep the Antidotes to Biological Weapons in your Medicine Cabinet - That way, if there were ever a conflict involving germ warfare, one could simply ingest the antidote as soon as he or she saw the cloud coming.
Travel and Transportation
When Flying a Plane, Get Up and Go to the Bathroom Once every 10 Minutes - This idea stemmed from the JFK Jr. accident in which it was hypothesized that Mr. Kennedy may have become disoriented, and might have actually been flying upside down while under the impression that he was right side up. The idea being that if a pilot were to simply get up and walk to the bathroom every once in awhile, they would quickly realize if they were actually flying inverted.
Jump Up at Moment Before Impact - This idea hypothesized that if an individual were aboard an aircraft that was about to crash, he or she should simply wait until just prior to the moment of impact and then jump up, thusly surviving almost certain death. However, it was noted that this particular methodology would be ineffective in the event that the aircraft was a helicopter. This concept was later expanded to essentially include all modes of transportation with the general idea being that any passengers should jump off the vehicle moments before impact.
Distribute Parachutes to all Airline Passengers - This was proposed with the notion that it would increase the odds of survival in the event of an aircraft accident or failure.
FIFO for Luggage Claim - Luggage claim should work in a First In, First Out fasion. Whoever has had the longest flight should be able to pickup their luggage first at the baggage claim. The next longest flight would get theirs next, and so on down the line.
No Helmet, More Insurance - If someone doesn't want to wear a helmet on their motorcycle, for example, then that person should just pay more insurance rather than being forced to wear said helmet.
Shutdown the Detroit People Mover - An unusually plain idea that proposes that the Detroit People Mover be shutdown as it costs more money to run than it takes in in revenue. In addition, less people use it than those that use Detroit public transit buses.
Get in a Fight on an Airplane, You're Done Flying Forever - With the increasing amount of air rage incidents, it was proposed that from this point forward, any people participating in fights on an aircraft be banned from flying ever again. Initially, it was suggested that the fighters be branded with a forehead tattoo saying "CAN'T FLY", with an emphasis on the tattoo being particularly unattractive. Drew quickly had a change of heart and amended the proposal to allow tattoos on the arm instead, feeling that that would be more humane. The seed for this idea came about after a June 2011 air rage incident over a chair being reclined that ended up causing the flight to make an emergency landing while being escorted by an F-16.
Flak Jackets Mandatory for Airline Passengers - A proposal that everyone on passenger flights be forced to wear a flak jacket that would be able to contain explosions. It was surmised that only the bomber, and perhaps in some instances, the passenger beside them would die. Re: the unfortunate collateral damage, Drew said, "If you're that unlucky to end up sitting beside the guy with the surgically implanted bomb, then you're gonna go anyway." Created in response to news reports of terrorists potentially surgically implanting bombs in Yemen. Later superseded by the Everyone Should Fly Nude rule.
Artificial Engine Sounds for Quiet Hybrids or Electric Vehicles - Marc is credited with this sensible idea rooted in truth. His proposal - that silent or very quiet hybrid or electric car engines have an artifical engine sound inserted that sounds exactly like the flying car from The Jetsons. He also once mentioned adding whistle tips like Bubb Rubb.
Cigarette Lighter Exchange - At airport gates there should be a cigarette lighter exchange whereby passengers waiting to get on the plane hand over their cigarette lighters to passengers leaving the plane. The reasoning- for boarding passengers, it rids them of something that they can't bring on to the aircraft with them. For those deplaning, it's the fastest way for them to get the first thing they need.
No Carry-On Baggage for Short Flights - Rather than wait in slow moving check-in lines, it was proposed that airports provide separate lines for those whose flights have a duration of less than two hours. These short haul flight travelers would not be permitted to have any carry-on baggage, the reasoning being that with such a short flight, there's very little that one would need to carry on the flight. However, these short haul planes would stock possibly critical items a limited number of people may need such as insulin.
One Way Grosse Ile Bridge Traffic - When one of the bridges to Grosse Ile, MI went down for construction, the remaining bridge experienced up to two hour long backups and even fights broke out between some drivers while waiting in line. Drew instead proposed restricting traffic during the typical morning and afternoon commute times. For example: Drew suggested that instead of holding up traffic for everyone for hours in a vain attempt to keep two-way traffic open, that they should instead restrict traffic to people leaving the island only during the hours of approximately 7:15am until 8:30am. The reverse would apply during the afternoon, only traffic getting onto the island would be allowed onto the bridge between the hours of 4:45pm and 6:00pm.
A Free Hour on the Grosse Ile Bridge - Continuing on the above Grosse Ile bridge construction, apparently the toll-free bridge was the one closed for construction, leaving only the toll bridge open. As the only game in town for that time, it was obviously making a killing. Taking into account that they now most likely had a ton of additional revenue, Drew proposed that the toll bridge have a "free hour" every once in a while as a way to "give something back once in a while". They would still come out miles ahead.
Everyone Should Fly Nude - In what would almost certainly vastly increase efficiency and safety, all airline passengers would have to fly nude. Security lines would be almost eliminated as the inspections would most likely involve a cursory look in people's butt holes and vaginas. While the airline security industry would no doubt suffer from job loses, some of those jobs would be retained by the increased amount of flights taken by people who considered themselves to be so hot. They would undoubtedly be flying more often and to more places, simply to show off.
Business / Industry / Science
Ban the Manufacture of Purple Paint - This was proposed as a means of saving people from their own bad taste. If there was no purple paint, then no one would be able to paint their personal possessions a gaudy purple color.
Employer Pension Dead Beat List - All consumers should band together and keep a list of employers who do not live up to their pension commitments. Companies that are on said list or in general don't treat employees well, are to be abandoned. Likewise companies that treat their employees well would be rewarded with further business.
Hire the Homeless To Solicit for Checkout Charities - During a conversation about how frequently it seems you might be solicited to donate to some random charitable cause when at the point of sale to make your purchase, Drew proposed to instead hire the homeless to man these positions. Drew thought it put the people at the cash register in a horrible position by basically being pressured into pressuring their customers to make a donation, which no doubt put them in the line of fire of daily complaints from some customers. The homeless would be far better suited to fill these roles since they often seem to have no problem soliciting people for money.
A Shock Grocery Store - A special grocery establishment that is dedicated to freaking out their customers. One would not be surprised to notice clerks constantly swearing at eachother or stocking weird and creepy items at this fine business.
The Fairer Sex
Don't Tell Chicks How Hot They Are - If all guys were able to abide by this massive conspiracy, then chicks wouldn't know how hot they were and would be unable to cop an attitude. The end result would be more quality trim for everyone. It is acknowledged that the chances of success for this idea are minimal at best, as guys enmasse would undoubtedly forget about the rule and begin thinking with their dicks almost immediately after encountering an attractive female.
Women At Their Angriest Photo - An idea suggested by Drew by after seeing a photo of Jennifer Lopez angrily talking on her phone. This idea entails that women carry a photo of themselves at their angriest that a man could request at anytime and the woman would be required to produce by law. An addendum was made later to include additional laws requiring women to carry pictures of themselves at their bossiest and a picture of their mother, to see what they are going to grow into. Drew would later further amend this idea to include a photo of the woman without makeup and a further photo of her screaming at a male.
First Female In A Position - To be declared the first female in a certain employment position, the woman must cry when accepting it. This shall be the standard. The first female in a job should be feminine in completing that task. Otherwise, it's a female with male characteristics.
Scroll Woman's Scores in Pink - Scores from female sporting events should be displayed on television in a pink font. Ideally the scores wouldn't even been shown on traditional sports channels, but instead on the Lifetime Network. This idea is actually credited to Wolters.
Go Online for Woman's Sports Scores - An alternative idea of the above, if woman's sports scores absolutely MUST be displayed on television, then the exact same score as the men's events should be printed in place of the actual woman's scores so no men are fooled into thinking the scores are for the men's games. A message can be printed at the end of the display simply stating "Go online for the real women's scores."
Coverup Tattoos - The use of make-up to cover up tattoos at formal events should be mandatory.
If A Female Answers, She's A Slut - When Drew and Mike make an outgoing phone call and a female answers, the woman is assumed to be a slut until proven otherwise.
The Tube Seat - The name given to the seat(s) visible on television immediately behind the coach and/or player's bench at a sporting event, typically hockey or basketball, since it often seems to be someone with a large rack seated in them. Tickets to said seats would list them as "Tube Seats". Drew suggested the Tube Seat be a La-Z-Boy and perhaps there be a contest to award the seat to an appropriately endowed woman. Arose from a discussion of a sighting of a large breasted woman visible behind the Detroit Red Wings bench during the '06 playoffs.
Butt Birth Evolution - In an apparent recent Darwinian development, it seems that something better has been located a couple inches away from the vagina, the butt, thus rendering the vagina obsolete. Genes favoring potentially giving birth from the butt would survive and those favoring vaginal birth would die off. Eventually all human births would be via the butt. Inspired from discussion around the Tigers Woods mistress scandal and his apparent love of butt sex.
Rack Finder App - An app for your phone that would allow you to search for or be alerted to the hottest chick on television at that moment in time. Originally conceived by Mike Clark as a alert or crawl at the bottom of your screen while watching television but refined to a more useful app.
Crime and Punishment / Law
Get in a Fight on an Airplane, You're Done Flying Forever - In the same vein as the Get in a Fight on an Airplane, You're Done Flying Forever rule, Drew proposed that individuals who are irresponible gun owners be banned from owning or using any gun forever. No more guns for you!
Tattoo a big "P" on the forehead of pedophiles before they get out of prison - This would make these creeps easier to spot when they are unleashed upon society.
Implement the Loser Gun Rule - This rule states that anyone selling a gun illegally would be automatically responsible for any criminal act in which the gun was used. This rule is deemed to be necessary because of all the losers that have managed to illegally purchase guns and then commit loathsome crimes with the weapons.
Media Mass Murder Conspiracy - This idea states that the media should conspire to portray several fictional cases in which twisted individuals intended to commit mass murder, but were instead cut to ribbons by spectators who happened to be heavily armed. The ultimate goal is to put fear into the hearts of such would-be bastards so that they won't go through with the crime. It is thought that having several females blasting away from their cubicles in an office setting might be a particularly effective method.
Make Prison Inmates Glow - Although a method of actually achieving this had not yet been defined at the time of this writing, it has generally been acknowledged that such a practice would greatly assist law enforcement agencies with the chore of recapturing escaped inmates. In a rare twist of idea becoming reality (almost), it was later reported that a company had developed a paint that glows in the dark and was pursuing it's use in the corrections system.
Can't Sue Cops Who Give You A Break - A new law would be enacted whereupon citizens could not turn around and sue cops who had given them a break.
Child Support Money Pool - All child support money would be pooled together into a single fund. Child support would be charged as a percentage of income but all the money collected from all payers would be pooled into one fund. In order to distribute the money, the total amount would be divided by the number of needy children and then divided evenly. The main impetus behind this would be that women who trap rich men would not be able to get more money for doing so, although rich men would still contribute more to the pool. Conversly, if a woman ends up knocked up by some poor loser, she could still support herself. No mother would have incentive or disincentive to trap someone. All child support created equal.
Civil Suit Money Pool - Similarly to the Child Support Money Pool, it was proposed that all monies awarded from civil lawsuits be pooled into a single fund. Victims who won their suits would receive a stipend in equal amounts for all.
Electric Playpen - A proposed solution to the seemingly more frequent problem of criminal activities committed by youthful perpetrators. Stemmed from a short period of time in which there were several incidents of hideous acts committed by individuals that were legally too young for long-term incarceration, and would have to be released from custody on or about their 18th birthday.
24 Hour Live Pay-per-view Cavity Search Channel - Drew proposed the creation of a live 24 hour pay-per-view cavity search channel, bringing you live views of cavity searches from prison intakes around the nation. This was inspired by disgraced former Michigan Supreme Court judge Diane Hathaway starting her prison sentence.
Have Death Row Inmates Perform Deadly Work - Death row inmates should perform various tasks that would otherwise mean certain death if performed by anyone else, such as nuclear power plant repairs, or space exploration. It was suggested that inmates be sent to the Sun with a camera attached to see what it's like. Drew supported the possibility of taking bets in Las Vegas based on how close the inmates could get to the Sun before they burned up. Mike Clark further wanted to outfit an inmate with an array of sensors on a one way mission to Mars to transmit scientific data back.
Shoot Pedophiles in the Head - Drew suggested that pedophiles be shot in the head. Simple and to the point. No life force.
Instant Death Sentence - In somewhat the same vein as above, it was propsed that a judge be allowed to implement four or five instant death sentences per year. This instant death sentence would be reserved for convicts that seemed to be particularly crass or unrepentant. A judge could elect to carry out one of his instant deaths by simply having courtroom security hold the prisoner in place and the judge himself would execute them on the spot with a gun. It was reasoned that this drastic action would of course only be used on those that really deserve it. Instant death sentences could only be carried out on those found guilty, or those found innocent by a jury thought to have erred (they were looking too hard and couldn't see the forrest for the tree). This idea was a visceral response to the murder of one Tia Skinner's parents. In particular, when her co-conspirator boyfriend said to a judge in open court, "on behalf of all the people you have given life sentences to, fuck you."
Harvest Organs from Death Row Inmates - "'cuz they never win their appeals" it was suggested that organs be harvested from death row inmates. Trudi further expanded this harvest to include stupid people as well. Again, expanding on the Instant Death Sentence idea, the most obviously guilty would be immediately put to death to harvest their organs for more important people. Inspired by the death of Steve Jobs.
Inject Fat into Prisoners - Inspired by the show's great hate of former Subway spokesman Jared Fogle, it was proposed that as part of a prisoner's punishment that they be injected with fat. Drew wanted a judge to order that Fogle be injected with fat every night until he's huge, perhaps 600 pounds. So huge, that he couldn't even leave his cell. Marc countered that some new or edgier sub company (Quiznos was cited as a possible example) might feed Jared only submarine sandwiches again until he lose weight. It was beleived that Fogle would then go around for the rest of his life carrying oversized orange or black and white stripped prisoner pants rather than those oversized jeans.
Penis Softener - It should be declared that if you shoot the President of the United States, you give up heterosexual sex. You should not be allowed to even masturbate. One's wrist should be restrained so that it can't get within more than two inches of your penis under any circumstances. This would allow them to be teased but never to come anywhere close to sexual release. Both hands must remain restrained. Not even the "strange" hand should allowed to be free in case it come in contact with the penis. For the remaining homosexual sex, the rule shall be: if other inmates want him, that's fine, but he has no choice or say in the matter. Unless he wants to other inmates, then it cannot be allowed to happen. This extensive idea was hatched in response to John Hinckley receiving permission to visit his mother for up to ten days at a time. Inparticular, Hinckley's stated desire for "intimate contact" with women and the absurd fact that a wannabe presidential assassin would have any freedoms at all.
Family Electric Chair - In repsonse to an interview of Casey Anthony's murderer loving parents seen on the "Dr. Phil" show, an electric chair able to accommodate an entire hated family at once was devised. Ideally, each family member would be strapped in individually in something resembling theatre seating.
Limited Number of Civil Lawsuits - A person may only be allowed to set in motion a pre-determined amount of civil lawsuits during their entire lifetime. The basis for this being that NO ONE could've possibly been wronged so much more than any other individual so as to need so many lawsuits.
Parole Board Box Scores - Similar to the stats kept for starting pitchers and the like, wins and losses stats shall be reported for parole boards. The gist of the idea being that incidences where a convict is released by the parole board but goes on to commit further heinous acts (the murder of numerous police officers is cited as an example) would end up in the loss column of a parole board and be reported to the public as such.
Murdering Moms should be Sterilized - Inspired by Casey Anthony, it was proclaimed that moms who murder should be sterilized. It was suggested that it should be done even if one had to resort to delivering the sterilization via some sort of spray while the person was asleep. Similarly to how one might drop teeth bleaching trays into the mouth of a napping yellow toothed chick.
Instead of Death, Listen to Political Round Tables 24/7/365 - During the 2016 Presidential election cycle, Drew suggested via twitter that instead of sentencing our worst offenders to death, we should subject them to political round tables for every minute of the rest of their life. #assholes
Bond Backers Serve The Time - This idea originally spawned from a comment made by Marc after reading a story about a Warren man who was bonded out of jail for $10,000 by a relative, only to almost immediately go on a crime spree and ultimately murder an elderly woman. The idea behind bond is supposedly that the accused won't commit anymore crimes, lest the bond be forfeited. Drew suggested taking that one step further by forcing whoever pays the bond on the accused's behalf ultimately serve the time for any crimes that the accused committed while out on bond.
No Doors or Phones for the Elderly - With the elderly today increasingly becoming the victim of scams, it was proposed that senior citizens (of age 80 or older) have no doors on their domiciles to counter the common door to door scammer. And even if there were an exits on a house, they should lock from the outside to protect the elderly from themselves. A family member living elsewhere would keep the key. Their homes would be augmented with plenty of bathrooms and comfortable places to lie down to offset this otherwise drastic idea. In addition, the elderly shouldn't have any telephones since they seem to fall for phone scams more often then not. If someone really needs to get a hold of the elderly person, they will come over or bring them a phone. Contact with complete strangers would be forbidden as it will only end up badly.
Fly Around Until It's Safe - In the event of a disaster taking place on the ground, one should simply embark on an airplane and fly around for awhile until it's deemed safe to land again.
Creep Factor Test - Before being allowed to own a computer, a creep factor test should be mandatory. This was thought to help cut down on cyber crime and online creeps.
All Drivers Must Hold a Cellphone - Existing laws banning cell phone use while driving would instead be replaced by laws that actually require drivers to hold a cell phone at all times, even if they are not talking on it. Drew claimed to be able to actually concentrate more while driving with a cell phone than when not.
Target Practice for all Detroit Residents - With Detroiters apparently so determined to shoot one another, but more often actually hitting children instead, it was decided that all residents of Detroit should be required to take target practice at local ranges.
Crowbar Rental Stand - A stand devised by Drew whose description sounded a lot like Lucy's booth in "Peanuts". Said stand would offer rentals of crowbars to be used to pry apart amorous homosexual couples, typically at rest stops.
Legal Prostitution for High Networth Individuals - Drew surmised that high networth men cannot typically get into actual relationships without the extreme risk that they will loss a large amount of that money. It was said that sex should be treated as merely a business transaction and thusly greatly decrease the financial risk of said individuals. It was determined that one should have a networth of at least five million dollars before one could legally solicit a prostitute.
Penis Softener - Instead of having to flick an erect penis, they should sell some kind of penis softener. Drew envisioned it being sold like laundry softener or stool softener.
Vote People Out Of The NFL - The public should be allowed to vote people out of the NFL
Player Muzzles - Each professional sports league should have an allotment of five muzzles to install on five players in the league with the point being to shut them up. Ideally the biggest blabbermouths and players who are full of the largest amount of hot air would be muzzled. Idea inspired by NBA player Ron Artest.
All Fans must wear Full Catcher's Gear - In response to a dubious self proclaimed "crowd safety expert" answer to recent injuries at ballparks, Drew suggested that all fans wear a catcher's mask at every professional baseball game but quickly amended this to include full catcher's gear. The gear would be placed below every seat before the start of the game and it would be expected that you would wear said gear as naturally as part of being a fan. Marc played devil's advocate and asked who would pay for it? Drew answered that adding a mere 10 cents per
ticket surcharge until it was paid for should suffice. Of course, it was mentioned that it might be easier to simply actually watch the game and the ball. One could just duck if a ball comes within their purview although it was admitted that this wouldn't address the problem of drunks falling from the upper levels of stadiums. This idea inspired an entire segment taking further crowd safety solutions but this remained the primary idea.
Flocka Fighting Association - A combined brainstorm of Drew and Marc, this was inspired by various users of the drug "flocka" in the news, in particular the so called "face eating frat boy." In an apparent more modern take on The Running Man, and what would surely become far larger than any MMA fight or NCAA tournament, it was proposed that the "Flocka Fighting Association" be formed. Where else could one see the exciting action of these scourges on society eating eachother's faces off in a fully sanctioned event? In light of flocka user's apparent super human strength (and to satisfy what would've been another idea of Drew's), potential participants would first have to qualify for the event. To do so, they would have to do some extreme benchpressing followed by some taking some BP (batting practice). To qualify, one might expect a flocka user to hit a ball 700 feet. ( Drew later added that in addition to the batting cages, it may be a good idea to get flocka users to try some gymnastics.) Once qualified, a tournament of 48 players would be formed, with matches of up to 12 competitors at once. The best part for the participants? Besides advancing to the next round, whoever wins gets more flocka! There would be absolutely no rules, as face eating would be allowed, and even expected! With one exception, the competitors must at least wear pants. It seems that too many flocka users like to get nude.
Another sub idea branched off from this one was to allow Death Row inmates to join the Flocka Fighting Association (FFA) with their potential freedom at stake. Since they're all sentenced to die anyway, they'd have nothing to lose! However, whoever wins, is released to life the rest of his life in freedom.
Betting Loss Invoices - The public at large should be allowed to send professional sports teams invoices for betting losses when said team blows a game in which they were heavily favored.
Pro Athlete PINs - Drew suggested that an easy way to remember PINs (Personal Identification Numbers) would be to associate them with the uniform numbers of notable professional atheletes. For instance, Drew said that PIN 1-0-3-4 would equal Ron Santo (10) appended to Walter Payton (34).
Punch Out Fans Who May Interfere - Drew suggested that the security personnel at MLB games who are on the field protecting the players from intruding fans be allowed to block and even punch out fans who appear to be reaching over to potentially interfere with a live baseball. Literally, "start kicking ass" until "they stop doing it."
Bet on Human Racing instead of Animal Races - A joint Drew and Marc idea. The premise for this idea is this: Drew has always been appalled at the idea of anyone enjoying animals events such as horse racing. His reasoning: the animals don't know what's happening, don't know it's a race, and really have no incentive to win. Furthermore, when's the last time you saw an animal enjoying a human race or event? When is the last time you saw a horse cheering at a baseball game? Why are we betting on an entire other species? To that end, it was suggested to take eight random people out of a crowd at a horse racing event such as the Kentucky Derby and race them against eachother. Odds would be calculated on the various human participants. The remaining crowd would then wager on the human racers.
Shoot Cheerleader Fans On Sight - In response to the overly enthusiastic way some Detroit Lion fans responded to the new cheerleaders in 2016 (in particular, how some fans went out of their way to take pictures with the cheerleaders), Drew proposed to shoot on sight anyone who was deemed to be overly excited or intrigued by the Detroit Lions cheerleaders. This was deemed the best way, almost beautifully so, to speed up Darwinism and thin out the herd. The cheerleaders are never going to fuck you. The quality of the football on the field has nothing to do with the presence of cheerleaders. We aren't going to win the Super Bowl now because you can pop a rod in the stadium. Drew asked if they could simply open a strip club next door to Ford Field and forget about the cheerleaders entirely.
Nude Lockroom Reporters - This idea was first suggested by Mike Wolters. It's not unusual in this day and age to see female reporters in the locker rooms. With that, comes the high probability that some of the athletes they're interviewing are nude. If the female reporters are going to insist they are allowed in the locker room of the opposite sex, then they should only be allowed in if they are first nude also. Since it's apparently no big deal that a woman can be among a group of nude males, then it should be no problem for that very same reporter to also be nude.
Licenses for being in the Spotlight / Public Eye Licenses - This idea stems from the notion that certain individuals are thrust upon us inappropriately, and such a spotlight licensing process would prevent people like Billy Ray Cyrus, Ricky Martin, and other wastes of skin from ever seeing the light of day. This idea was later reborn as a Public Eye License (perhaps simply because Drew forgot about his original idea from so long ago). Drew expressed his exasperation at Jack Osbourne being in the public eye and asked for someone to run for government office and enact a law requiring the Public Eye License. It was said that ideally Jack Osbourne's Public Eye License would not be renewed.
Celebrities Cannot Exploit Their Newborns - With the almost epidemic number of newborn babies of celebrities that end up being exploited, it was determined that a law should be created that doesn't allow celebrities to receive financial gain from such things as photos of the babies, or even using the baby for increased celebrity. If anything, any money received from a photo of the baby is in fact property of the baby. Furthermore, each celebrity baby should have their own lawyer apart from their parents.
Public Allowed To Divorce 5 Couples A Year - Drew suggested that the general public be allowed to pick five couples a year, preferably celebrities, and force them to divorce. Of course, the public would wait until a couple was offically married before summarily divorcing them.
Make Baldness Contagious - With the simple goal in mind that Ben Affleck could be made bald.
Colors Hall of Fame - Drew wanted a Hall of Fame for each color with appropriate celebrities, athletes, etc in each Hall. For example, Johnny Cash would be in the "Black Hall of Fame" as well as Roy Orbison and Gary Player.
Spend A Night With Jackson - A new law to be made where anyone who speaks out or supports Michael Jackson in any manner would then be forced to have their children spend a night with him.
No Three Named Celebrities
- Drew had a New Year's resolution proclaiming that he would no longer address vain celebrities by the full three names that they desired to be referred to by. One of those names should be eliminated entirely. Furthermore, it was decided that the first name would be changed to the informal version, or, in the case of a name judged to be already informal, the name would be changed to the formal version. Next would typically come the last name. For example: Philip Seymour Hoffman becomes Phil Hoffman. However, there are some exceptions. Murderers, serial killers, and other criminals would typically retain their three names, since they didn't have a choice in the matter and the media seemed to love to address them by the full three names. The name rules also didn't seem to work with some people so they were allowed exceptions. e.g. - Sacha Baron Cohen. This concept was later adapted to include athletes and even everyday people.
The Rogen Rule
- If you don't know who Seth Rogen is, you shouldn't hold any kind of office in the United States. Inspired by Seth Rogen's alzheimers speech to a Senate hearing where apparently no committee members knew who he was.
Media and Entertainment
Movie Ticket Invoices - The public at large should be allowed to send movie studios invoices when a movie they produce turns out to be a huge turd.
- It was proposed that every instance or mention of goldenpalace.com in any media or conversation anywhere should be automatically bleeped or otherwise censored.
Most Undelivered Tease
- In response to the absurd amount of teasing that WXYZ did before an announcement that they were carrying Detroit Lions preseason games, it was decided that there should be a "Most Undelivered Tease of the Week" for teases of great build up that amount to basically nothing.
The Nathaniel Abraham Channel
- There should be a channel synced with a tracking device so we will always know where Nathaniel Abraham is at all times and we can stay away from him if we want. Nathaniel Abraham is notable for being one of the US's youngest murderers. At the time of this idea's conception, he was in the news for his upcoming release and the fact that he appeared to have absolutely no remorse for his crime.
Shock TV Weathermen
- In the same vein as the Shock Grocery Store, a shock TV weatherman would go against the grain. He would portray a nice vanilla member of the community, as is standard, instead he would be right up and in your face with the weather report. It would not be unusual for a shock weather forecast to feature constant swearing and the weather man may act as if the weather, regardless of type, would mutilate his viewers.
Stop Social Media Attention Whores
- Drew's seething hate for people who get "too big for their britches" on socia media, such as vine or snapchat, spawned the idea for a law that would prevent them participating any further.
Politics and Government
Foreigners Must Wait Five Years before being allowed to view the United States Constitution - The objective of this idea is to prevent foreigners from pushing their freedom by arriving on our shores only to immediately become major pains in the ass by demanding all sorts of privileges that are guaranteed by the Constitution that they didn't even know existed five minutes ago.
Vote People Out Of The Country - The public should be allowed to vote people out of the U.S.A.
If Say You're Leaving, It's Mandatory - A new law shall be enacted whereupon anyone who declares that they are going to move out of the country will be forced out. Once you say it, leaving is mandatory.
Poltics Talk Etiquette - A new rule of etiquette that should be elevated to the same stature as saying "Please" and "Thank You" should be this: as soon as you discover that your political choices or preferences are different than the person you are having a conversation with, the conversation should not be pursued any further and should just end at that moment. Or at the very least, the political part of the conversation should cease. In this day and age, everyone should just agree that they are coming from different places. Political conversations are pointless since everyone is so partisan now and no one is going to convince anyone else to switch sides or to agree in a nonpartisan fashion.
No Presidential Candidate Mentions until they Declare - A new rule should be implemented where we don't talk about presidential candidates until they have officially declared and are actually candidates. In response to June 2011 and potential political candidates (namely Donald Trump) taking forever to declare their intentions. The speculatory period where the candidates sit on the fence without declaring, and going from event to event, trying to decide may continue, but no one is going to talk about them or pay much attention to them until the declaration is made. Drew conceeded that there's not much point to this rule and that it would never be implemented so it's basically wishful thinking.
Sell Abandoned Detroit Homes for $1 - Drew proposed that Detroit advertise out of state the wide availability of abandoned homes in the city. These homes should be offered to even illegal immigrants who could otherwise not afford a home elsewhere for the princely sum of $1. Further, the new homeowners wouldn't have to pay any property tax for ten years and in addition, give them $10,000 for home improvements.
Celebrity Emigration Threats Upheld By Law - If a celebrity threatens to leave the country for whatever reason (typically if an election doesn't go their way), then the law would force them to follow through on that threat whether they want to or not. Drew concluded that it would be an immensely fun to watch spectacle. We could all take great joy in watching the celebrities try to fight back tears as they were forced onto a waiting plane and out of the country.
Life Hacks / Improvements
Life Fast Forward to the Good Parts - Drew often expresses a desire to fast forward to good parts of his life or events that he is anticipating seeing or participating in. Quite often in reference to upcoming sporting events. However, it was later noted that by now if Drew had fast forwarded as much as he has wanted to, he would have probably given up years of his life at this point.
Give Money to Someone Else and Let Them Use it to buy Christmas Gifts for their Immediate Family - This was proposed and actually implemented by Drew as a method of completing the annual Christmas shopping ritual while exerting only minimal effort on a personal level. Simply give the money directly to one recipient, and leave it up to them to buy all the Christmas gifts for their immediate family members rather than you having to think of what to buy and then purchase a gift for each of those people individually.
In Person Melrose Hangup - In a play on the Melrose Hang Up, Drew proposed that everyone optimize their lives and not say "Hello" or "Goodbye" anymore, especially at things like family gatherings. The problem with family gatherings is that you feel obligated to say "Hello" or "Goodbye" to every single extended family member and inevitably you're still there saying "Goodbye" 30 minutes after you intended to leave. It's much better for all parties involved to simply slip out when you feel it's time to go. Suddenly somebody notices you're gone, and you're gone, but it's a tradition and considered normal.
Put a tag on live animals indicating how many garments they would make - That way, one could make an informed decision prior to killing the animal.
General Moronic Behavior
Moron Farm - A place to send people who are not really sinister or evil, but are simply morons who keep screwing up. John Bobbitt, Richard Gnida, and John Rocker are considered to be prime candidates for such an institution.
Make Ice Holes Produce a Credit Card - This rule would require morons that wander out onto rapidly thawing ice masses and end up needing rescue by the Coast Guard to first produce a credit card in order to pay for their rescue.
Ice Rescue Law - A new law should be made that dictates: whenever a person is rescued after traversing out onto ice, whether it be while ice fishing, snowmobiling, etc, said person cannot state that they are immediately going to return out on the ice, whether they actually going to or not.
Three 911 Calls = Divorce - Once the authorities have received three 911 calls from a couple, they are to be automatically divorced.
Shower Fluffing Station - On one of his podcasts Drew suggested that there be a fluffing station by the locker room shower so that you'll look your best in case you are being unknowingly videotaped. Inspired by a video interview of then Detroit Tiger Austin Jackson inside the Tiger's locker room that inadvertantly captured a player in the nude over Austin's shoulder.
Partially Bald Wig - A specially designed wig that makes those who wear it appear to be partially bald. This idea was conceived after hearing Sammy Hagar's quip that David Lee Roth is actually bald and wears a wig.
Pets Care About Food, Not You - Not every idea is Earth shattering, but simply common sense. Per Drew, since pets ultimately care more about food than their owners, your pet is only yours up until you fed it last. To convert any pet of yours to Drew's, all he has to do is be the most recent one to have fed it.
Drew Would Do It Cheaper
What follows aren't new ideas, but seemingly simple tasks or business plans that Drew believes that he can execute better, and more importantly, cheaper. At the same time, he would still make a killing! Cheaper typically seems to mean about half of the originally quoted cost.
Fill in old and unwanted pools - It's simply filling it with dirt, right?
Manufacture airplane escape slides - They cant be that complex, can they?
The entire function of the US government
Demolish blighted houses in Detroit
The scrotum draining business - In response to the guy with a 100lb scrotum who needed 1 million for the surgery.
Take tourists down to see the Titanic via submarine - This was quoted at a cost of 66k by Russian sub but Drew thought this was way too expensive considering you could actually leave the planet and go into space with Ashton Kutcher for 200k. Drew thought they must have huge profit margins and offered to do it for 30k instead.
Start a travel agency - It was reported that it would cost the University of Michigan band $100000 by bus or $400000 by jet to get to a football opener against Alabama being played in Texas in 2012.
Run the Detroit Mayoral Election - It was quoted as costing either $8,500,000 or $5,000,000.
Start a Porn Rehab Business - Originally suggested by Wolters but Drew said he would come on as a partner. Start a porn addiction rehabilitation business for 7k a month instead of the quoted 9k a month. Clark said he'd do it for even cheaper, just a one time fee of $100. His solution would be to simply show them "2 Girls 1 Cup" and the person should be cured.
Moving the Space Shuttle via Ground Transportation - Another proposal originally suggested by Wolters but again, Drew said he may come on as a partner. It was reported that it cost $10,000,000 to move the Space Shuttle Endeavour from Los Angeles International Airport to a permanent display at the California Science Center.
The Medical Reminder Business - This was mentioned by Drew briefly on Oct 12, 2015 but I missed if it was mentioned earlier so I don't know any further details or what this is in reference to.
Schedule Basketball Tournaments - When it was reported that Carlita Kilpatrick lost her 41k a year job in Texas scheduling basketball tournaments (among other things) at a municipal recreation center, Drew said he would do it for 30k instead. This was before it was later revealed that she was terminated for unaccounted money.
Clean the Floorboards or Rental Homes - It was alleged that some Oklahoma State University football players received cash payments playing there. Two notable examples cited were a player who was paid $400 to remove a Christmas tree from an attic and $700 to clean the floorboards of rental homes. This prompted Drew to proclaim that he'd do it for $650 an hour. Marc piped in that he'd move the Christmas tree for the discounted rate of $350.
Start a skywriting business - In September of 2013, the University of Michigan paid an Arizona based skywriting business to fly to MSU's Spartan Stadium and skywrite "Go Blue" over the venue, as ultimately revealed by the skywriting company themselves. However, the company wouldn't reveal the final cost of the skywriting, per Michigan's request. It was estimated by MSU that the total cost was $2 per mile to fly in from Arizona and do the skywriting. Drew and Marc vehemently decided to start their own skywriting business. They planned to charge only $1.50 per mile instead and to not reveal who their customers are. Once the competition was driven out of business they would ultimately raise their prices to even higher than currently being charged.
Open an "Obama" Business - In late 2013 Drew and Marc noticed a late night ad on Fox 2 about a local business named "Obama Pharmacy". Drew thought he could open his own "Obama" business and advertise on Fox 2. All you have to do is slap the name "Obama" on the front of your business and it's a license to print money.
Go into the Wedding Dress business - While watching an old Diane Sawyer and Whitney Houston interview segment, Diane noted that Whitney's wedding dress cost $40,000. Drew thought he could produce a wedding dress for only $35,000 that easily looked just as good.
Go into the Jail building business - The ever ballooning costs of a new Wayne County jail inspired this idea.
Process Detroit Parking Tickets - When it was reported that Detroit was going to increase the parking fine from $20 to $45 since the cost to process the tickets was $30, Drew was willing to step in and charge the City only $26 to process those same tickets. He surmised he would still make a killing.
Cut Payroll Checks on the Cheap - During City of Detroit bankruptcy discussions, Drew noted that it cost the City $62 to process and produce a payroll check for their employees. Drew said he could set up a company overnight and do it for only $50 a check.
Fix Flagpoles in Hart Plaza - The reported cost of $60,000 to fix 20 flagpoles in Hart Plaza was questioned by Drew. He immediately said he'd do it for half of that.
Build B-52 Bombers - Because, can you believe how much that shit costs? What is the profit margin on that stuff?
Go Into The GoFundMe Business - When Drew found out that GoFundMe takes an outrageous 5% of each donation, he was quick to suggest that he'd do it for only 3%.
Fill Backpacks for Underpriviledged Students - Woe is you if you're a student in Detroit Public Schools. But thanks to a $250,000 gift a local lawyer, 23000 underpriviledged DPS students would receive backpacks full of school supplies. However, Drew said he could do that too for only $200,000.
Go Into The Road Repair Business - It was discovered that it costs anywhere from 3 to 5 million dollars per mile to rebuild a two lane, undivided road in urban areas. Drew said he'd charge only 2 to 4 million dollars.
That's all there is for now. I know I'm probably missing some of Drew's other business proposals, so if you remember them let me know!